An Open Letter to The Guy Who Made Me Doubt And Fear Love

‘Twas more than 13 years since we were introduced to each other in a university organization together with our respective group of friends. I look up to you a lot since that day. You were already in your senior class while I’m just beginning to experience the hardships of college life. You were already on the top leadership of the organization while I’m just starting to blend with different kinds of people and embrace the culture of the team.

We became part of the same dance group and shared unforgettable memories during practices and events. Even when you already quit the dance group due to heavy academic requirements, you showed up at the end of every rehearsal to accompany me commuting home late at night. You were there at the library during your break time, sitting on the same table as I am while we were reviewing for final exams. You were there when I cried about the old professor who embarrassed me in front of the whole class when he narrated his dream about me doing some kind of romance to him. To me it was a nightmare. At least, I was comforted because you were there outside the class room. Above anyone else, you were there from the start. You were there most of the time. You were practically there.

‘Twas more than a decade since we mutually and impliedly agreed to become a couple. There were no words between us. You didn’t ask me and I never answered a word. We just held each other’s hand one day and we became so comfortable with it. Months passed by without giving a label on what kind of relationship we have. We just knew that we’re happy being together. Out of nowhere, you finally told me that you love me and asked me if I feel the same. I said yes without thinking twice. We humorously set our anniversary date on the day we first held each other’s hand. We see to it that we talk to each other and we see each other as often as possible. In every single and simple thing, we update each other on what’s happening to us.

We both grew in our respective careers, became consumed with the market place we’re into and met different sets of friends and colleagues. Due to hectic schedules, you suggested to just meet every Sunday night to go to church and dine out together. I admit that in the beginning, I’m having a hard time to adjust and I’m missing you most of the time. I never told you that directly. I didn’t want you to feel burdened with me and I didn’t want myself to become demanding with our relationship. Unknowingly, not out of words but out of my actions, I made you feel that I’m not good with the arrangement, which lead to our petty fights. I often say to myself that I need to understand our situation and eventually coped up with my own routine. We endured that kind of setup for years. I was so adjusted to it that it made me feel numb of your absence. Even if we did not see each other in a week, I felt okay. Even if we did not exchange stories in a day, I felt everything is alright. I guess it was trust that made me feel secure that we were doing good despite of each other’s inexistence.

‘Twas more than 5 years since we decided to tie the knot but we ended up in separation before our second year anniversary. Honestly, I could not remember clearly what had happened on those two years that we were together. Maybe I just really want to erase in my memory the sad years I had with you. I can’t detail. All I can remember is the last words you told me that made me realize to stop pursuing you and totally withdraw from you. “I already fell out of love with you even before the wedding,” this I truly remember.

Everything worked together for good, though. I came out a lot better after dealing with the painful process of moving on. I want to thank you, sincerely. If not for that heartbreak, I will still be the old me. I like the new me, actually, more than a lot.

One thing though, I never opened up myself to anyone. Since then, I never believed that true love exists. If it’s existing, maybe it’s not really for me. Whenever I thought of going into relationship again, I feel happy and excited at first but will eventually be scared and turn down the idea.

Everyone hopes that one day, all the anxiety that covers my heart will perish and I will finally feel the impulse of loving and receiving love one more time. If that happens, you will no longer be there. I hope that the entire bond between us will vanish. So I am pleading you to completely release me. That way, like a caterpillar that is so limited and can only act in a stated perimeter, I can ultimately blossom into a beautiful butterfly that can soar as much as I can, as long as I can. Soon. 🙂

Author: Exhibit A

Photo Credit (here)

Tags: moving on, Single Awareness Month